Episode 685: How to Stop Comparing and Start Enjoying

 Kiera is reviewing another book club read: Comparisonitis: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and Be Genuinely Happy by Melissa Ambrosini. She shares her takeaways about comparing versus inspiring, language to focus on, and knowing your own course.

Episode resources:

Check out the full list of DAT’s 2023 book club here.

Reach out to Kiera 

Subscribe to The Dental A-Team podcast

Become Dental A-Team Platinum!

Review the podcast

Transcript:

[music]

0:00:00.0 Kiera Dent: Hey everyone, welcome to the Dental A Team Podcast. I'm your host Kiera Dent and I have this crazy idea that maybe I could combine a doctor and a team member's perspective because let's face it, dentistry can be a challenging profession with those two perspectives. I've been a dental assistant, treatment coordinator, scheduler, filler, office manager, regional manager, practice owner, and I have a team of traveling consultants where we have traveled to over 165 different offices coaching teams. Yep. We don't just understand you, we are you. Our mission is to positively impact the world of dental. And I believe that this podcast is the greatest way I can help elevate teams, grow VIP experiences, reduce stress, and create A teams. Welcome to the Dental A Team Podcast.

[music]

0:00:51.5 KD: Hello Dental A Team listeners. This is Kiera. Guys, I am so excited because today is the day. Well, we're gonna talk about another book club. I hope you guys are loving the book club this year. I hope you're enjoying it. And even if you haven't read the books with me A-okay, I'm here to give you the quick synopsis of quite a few of these books. So today is actually a topic and I got super scared actually, which is ironic because at the end of the day it doesn't really matter.

0:01:19.4 KD: But I got so panicked of like, are people gonna actually like this and what if I didn't do a good book? And it's ironic because the book that I actually am doing for today is our Comparisonitis, I don't know how to say this girl's last name, but Comparisonitis is a guide defining happiness in a social media world by Melissa Ambrosini. Okay, I think I said it right. But it's funny that I would be stressed about this podcast, for the sheer fact, that I am comparing and being concerned about that with this. So I realized it's okay. Do I think that she had the best audiobook? No. Do I think she's got a little of... I don't know, maybe not talking about everybody's problems? For sure. But do I think that there were so many principles within there, that I wanted this book on there for a reason? A 1000%, yes. So I actually pulled up some notes 'cause I actually had some podcast ideas and our team did this as a book club and it's interesting because we compare all the time and I actually am really glad I did this and I'm excited for this podcast whether you read the book or not, because I feel like so many times dentists, male and female, are constantly trying to compare with other dentists. I get the question all the time like, "Kiera, what is it the other office's doing?

0:02:37.6 KD: Kiera, what do these other people do? Kiera, how do my numbers look compared to another office?" And I just thought, Gosh darn it, I need to have this podcast out there because you guys need to know about comparing. And so it was interesting in the book, they talked about how it's easier to compare when we think we are on the same page as someone else. So in our book club we were talking about how... One of our team members said, I don't ever compare or feel guilty or bad about myself when I'm on Pinterest, but yet when there's someone next door to me, I feel guilty about that and I feel like, why don't I get that? And I said, It's honestly because we are so close. So when we meet other dentists we think, Oh my gosh, well I'm a dentist, they're a dentist. I should be able to do that. Instant comparison. We have another female and I'm a female. I compare because we're similar. Another male, another male, you feel like you're both males, you should be that way. It could be a father, it could be a mother, it could be all these different things. But whenever we feel like we're similar to someone, that's where we start to bring in this creepy annoying comparison. And what's interesting is comparison is not necessarily bad.

0:03:45.9 KD: It depends on what you're using it for. And when we were chatting about this in our book club, as a team, we talked about how there's comparing versus inspiring. And I think that the key differentiator, that I really wanna highlight today, is are we comparing which is a negative? I'm not enough, versus an inspiring of this is what I want to become. And so it was interesting, we looked this up, and the comparing versus inspiring, it's the opposite, is to see... The opposite of comparing is to see the similarities as an antidote to comparing. Opposite is to appreciate distinct and unique differences. And so I just thought that that was really interesting of when we are in this comparing phase. It is not wrong to look at another practice or another dentist or another person and aspire and be inspired by them. But where it becomes toxic and negative is when we're comparing and thinking we're not as good, we're not as much. And so I really put in here of so much of this is what's the motivation behind it? What is going on behind it? Am I doing this and am I looking at these other people to inspire myself, to grow myself, to push myself? Or am I doing this to make myself feel bad? Comparing I feel as a lack, inspiring is an abundance. And so it's an inspiration, comparing as a mindset of scarcity and it's a problem when it's negative. It's an inspiration when it's achievable.

0:05:12.6 KD: And so that's something, where comparison is devaluing ourselves because of it, inspiration is where we're growing and getting excited about it. So there was something that I would just encourage you guys, through this, of where do I compare? So I just want you guys to do a quick inventory of your life. Where do you compare? Do you compare on physical attributes, our body, our hair, our looks, our age? Do we compare on self-worth or even net worth? What about our bank accounts? Are we comparing with other people and that's gonna go into our homes, our cars, our material possessions? Do we compare about our teams and the size of our teams? Guys all day long I'm like, We're not even doing anything great. We're a small team compared to those. I talked to my friend and he's got 300 employees, I got 10, 9. I'm number 10. It's like, I can't even handle that. That's me comparing. Do we compare on that? Do we compare on the size of our practice? Do we compare on the aesthetics of our practice? Do we compare on our families and how great our kids look on social media compared to other people? Do we compare on being a good parent to other people? Oh my gosh, they look like they've got together. Do we compare on being organized? Do we compare on our our knowledge?

0:06:26.3 KD: Are we the smartest person in the room? Where do you compare? And then, can we start looking for science for when we're doing it? So you guys, this is gonna be honesty hour with Kiera. Maybe this book resonated with me on certain levels because of it, but I think that there's so much value and wisdom because we all compare on some level, no matter who you are, no matter what. For me, I struggled with anorexia for most of my life. And so I compare a lot of body images with a lot of other people. I also compare the success of my business because I have so much of my identity wrapped up into it. I compare. I got so nervous about my wedding ring and if my sister-in-laws had bigger wedding rings than me, does that mean that my marriage is less significant? That seems ridiculous. And for some of you, you might be laughing at me, but I want you to know you have an equally "laughable" which is not laughable thing, where I'd listen at and be like, What the what? No. But that's yours. That's where you compare. And all I want here is not for us to have it be laughable. None of these are laughable. They're real. What I want this to be is where you look to see where are you comparing and where is that toxic? Because for me, when I go on social media and I see other consulting companies or other podcasts, I'm like Good night, we're not doing this well enough.

0:07:41.0 KD: That's negative. But when I look at them I'm like, Oh my gosh, that's such a great idea. I love what they're doing and I aspire to be like them. Then it's a positive. So both can be good and both can be bad, but where do you compare in a negative way? And then, can we stop and eliminate some of those things? Can we be aware when we're a critic and can we ask ourselves what is truth and what is reality? When I scroll through that feed and I'm like, Oh my gosh, we're not doing enough on the podcast. Is that true? Is that actually true? Or is that just me sitting here being like I should do more, but do I actually wanna do more? Why am I doing this? So when we do this, there are a few things that can change when we are in this comparison zone and I really loved some of the points she brought up. But how can we change this is, we can move into gratitude. So instead of comparing and being negative and ripping someone in half or something like that because they're better than us and tearing them down or tearing ourselves down, we can actually spin and be grateful. We can spin and be grateful, be grateful for the life we have, be grateful for the things that we have. We can also ask ourselves, is this a story or is it a fact? Is this really true or is it not?

0:08:50.7 KD: And then also I really think on this, something else that we can do to break the cycle of comparing in a negative way, is we can look to see how we are similar and build that other group up. We can look to see the positives of that other person. What is good about them? Where are we similar? Where could I aspire? So I also think that there's a piece in here of the language. What are we telling ourselves constantly? Are we telling ourselves that this year is a failure? That I'm a failure as a business owner? How do we view these things? Because I oftentimes think that the language we're telling ourselves actually can perpetuate this comparison. If I'm always like, Gosh Kiera, you need to be a better business owner. Well, shoot. Then every person I see who's a business owner, I'm like, Oh dang it, they're better than me. But could I tell myself instead like, Kiera, you're such an incredible business owner. You inspire people all the time. Well, great, now I'm gonna go find other business owners who are looking for that. They had... I was thinking about this because I believe that the language and the things that we focus on are what truly helps us shape what we're looking for. And I'm not saying this is a blanket statement because I understand that there are situations in our life that are out of our control.

0:10:01.2 KD: There are things. Guys, I've struggled with depression radically, struggled with anorexia, struggled with suicide. Those are things that I have genuinely struggled for as an individual. And I do believe that some of these things are outside of our control and I'm very sensitive and attuned to that and that's not where I'm going with that. And I do believe that there are therapists, that there are coaches, that there are people out there that can help us. And I don't think any of us should be ashamed of that. I just wanna caution that we're not comparing to perpetuate some of those real issues that we face. And so looking at that, what is the language of how we self-inter talk to ourselves, could be a possible starting place, to maybe stop the negative perpetuating... To me, I really do think it's a habit and I think it's something of like why do I compare? I compare as motivation to help myself be a stronger business owner, to work out more and not eat as much, to check myself and have a better marriage. But it can also very quickly spin to the negative and go dark. So what are we talking to ourselves and telling ourselves all the time? And then how do we determine winning versus losing? Are we either winning or are we losing or could we look at that and see that there are a variety of things and there's not just a black and white and that we're winning or we're learning? It's interesting.

0:11:20.8 KD: It's interesting and this book was super interesting for me because it really made me start thinking of like, how can I stop comparing myself and start inspiring more? So just interesting things for you guys to think about. And I really hope, this is gonna go back to... I also think it's important for us to know our own course. Where do we want to go? 'Cause I know sometimes I compare and I buy things or I do things not 'cause I actually want it, but because I wanna be like someone else I'm watching or someone else I'm comparing myself to. And so I just say like, Are we living our own lives or are we comparing for someone else's life? It's an interesting question for you to think. So with some tacticals for dental practices and for you listening today, a couple of things was be intentional and present. So let's make sure that the life we're living and the things we're doing we're intentional and we're present. So maybe it would make sense for you to not take pictures, to always have to post on social, but you're taking pictures because you want to remember this moment. Just switching the intention of why we're doing things. They talked about taking regular vacations from your phone. Setting an intention when we scroll the newsfeed, what are we looking for? Can we actually filter and hone in on things that we actually want to see?

0:12:35.0 KD: I wanna go on social because I wanna find other awesome cosmetic dentists out there of what they're doing on their social, to highlight for more patients to get acceptance. I wanna go on social today to be inspired and I'm gonna look for inspiring quotes while I'm there. So then we can filter through and look for exactly what we're looking for, as opposed to just letting things come in. Because then we're gonna probably find the triggers more than we're gonna find the intentionality. I put on here to create our own map. So what would you, as a great dentist, do? What would you as a great business owner do? What does your ideal life look? And who can you follow to inspire you? 'Cause that becomes in our own map that we can follow. It becomes our own way of dictating our life as opposed to being dictated upon. And then also, I really loved this, what are you, as a dentist owner or team member wins that you're doing? So kind of trying to build up that stamina internally of the good things that we are doing because I think we're so hard on ourselves, that's why we compare, when I'm like, why can't we just love ourselves? Sounds simple. And in practicality it feels hard.

0:13:40.4 KD: So they talked about how you can tell yourself three things that you are doing really well, at something that you do consistently every day. So I of course, in knowing that I talk to dentists and dental teens all the time, I thought, what if all of us committed that while we're brushing our teeth every day? We say three great things that we're doing when we brush our teeth. Three things that we're doing that are awesome because we all have them. And I know there was a point in my life where I was really, really, really truly clinically depressed. I almost did check myself in because it was that scary for me. And I decided, I was like, all right, Kiera Dent, we've gotta change the focus of what you're focusing on right now. And we've gotta get you thinking of something else. So I decided, every day, to write in my journal, three things that I loved about myself. Ooh, I bet you guys can only imagine how easy that was for me. Super depressed, hating myself, feeling like my entire life was in utter shambles. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And guess what? That started forcing me to find things about myself that I truly did love. So I was thinking like, What if we did that? Could we start to build momentum to where we can see other people and be excited for them and their successes because it's not diminishing ourselves.

0:14:58.1 KD: I oftentimes think with comparison, and for me specifically, I'm just talking about me. I'm not talking about anyone else. I think it's an internal lack, that I'm looking for an external fix. I'll say that again. I think it's an internal lack, that I'm looking for an external fix, and instead I'm actually getting an external comparing. Where could we not build internally and then be inspired externally? It's just a question. Something to think about. So then, the next piece I thought about is could we not start to celebrate instead of compare with other dentists, having abundance versus scarcity. So when we start to get into that scarcity or comparing, could we not start to celebrate them? I'm so proud of this dentist. Instead of being like, Oh my gosh, they got it all going on. I'm so proud of them. Look at how great they are with their team. I'm truly inspired by them as a leader.

0:15:48.7 KD: That feels hard. And that is something where we are consciously, instead of unconsciously, celebrating someone else. 'Cause I truly do believe what we do to others, we do to ourselves. So if I can celebrate other people, if I can love other people, I do that to myself as well. But I think it starts internally and not externally.

0:16:07.6 KD: And then I want you guys to really think about what are you losing or what are we giving up in life by comparing? Right now, I'll tell you, I don't freaking get into a swimsuit very often because I feel like I'm too fair-skinned. Well guess what, I'm giving up. My favorite thing in the entire world is boating. So I'm giving up a lot of boating time and memories because I'm afraid of that. 'Cause I'm comparing with other people. I'm giving up the opportunity to create and to create a vision, because I'm comparing to other business owners, I'm feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm giving that up the stem. So I think for you, maybe just think about what has comparing prevented you from doing? Well, opportunities in life personally and professionally have, maybe you given up, because you are so afraid and because we are comparing. Something to think about, something to ponder. I really did love this. I thought that there were so many things. And one of my last takeaways for you is how can we learn to love? And I put in that all caps, love the life we are living. And I think it's a balance of what's important to us. So shifting that focus, comparing is a mindset of scarcity. Inspiring is a mindset of abundance. I truly do believe, within the realms of recognizing that there is help that is oftentimes needed. And I want you to get that help.

0:17:30.1 KD: And I wanna tell you and encourage you and let you know that you're not weak, that you're not a failure. That all of us need help. Kiera Dent needs help. I have a lot of therapists and I'm not ashamed of that. I'm so grateful I asked for help instead of not being here. I'm so thankful that I was able to recognize that I needed help. And I'm so grateful that now I can look to see where am I comparing and can I shift that into celebrating? Can I look to see, what am I giving up in life? I'm gonna start to live that way. So for you guys, it's very easy to compare because we think we're all on the same playing field. But guess what? Just because we're all dentists or we work in dental fields or we're dental team members, or we're women or we're men or whatever you are, or you're married or you're not married, we're all playing our own game. We're all living our own life. And I hope that you are living for you. I hope that even if you can stop comparing in a negative way, 1% of the time that you take that up and you start to celebrate people more and see where it's amazing what they're doing, and you inspire rather than compare. I think it's a beautiful thing and I hope if you guys read the book with us that you loved it. And if not, I hope that today it was a valuable thing for you to think about.

0:18:41.9 KD: Next month, I'm back on track now. So for May, when this is being released, and I'll be talking about this in June, our book for May is Own the Day, Own Your Life: Optimized Practices by Aubrey Marcus. I think this is a really great one for self-mastery, self-discovery, and also things that you can take into your practice for you. So I really loved this one. If you guys wanna read it, check it out. But if nothing else, I hope that today you take away, what are you giving up from comparing? What is the life you want to live? And then what are we doing to make sure that we're doing that and being present and intentional with that? Can we shut off the triggers that trigger us? And can we start to celebrate those around us? Because they're doing a great job, you're doing a great job and all of us together can rise. It's together rising. And I believe that we can create those mindsets and those patterns and habits more so than comparing from lack.

0:19:33.5 KD: And I hope that you take that on and you do that. And as always, guys, thanks for listening and I'll catch you next time on The Dental A Team Podcast. And that wraps it up for another episode of the Dental A Team Podcast. Thank you so much for listening and we'll talk to you next time.

[music]